A Tear in the Space-Time Continuum

Or maybe the tear is just in my heart.

Remember my earlier post about making some decisions?

I sit here next to a stack of forms. Forms, that when I fill them out, will complete the process of enrolling my three youngest children in the local brick and mortar school.

If you are just peeking at this blog for the first time, I have (up until today) been a home educator. My oldest daughter attends the local high school, but she was schooled at home until just a few years ago.

My three youngest children, grades 3, 5, and 7 have never been schooled anywhere except in my home.

Over the past couple of days, I made the gut-wrenching decision to change this aspect of my family life. And it is a B-I-G, big change for me.

You see, essentially every adult decision I have made--every thing that defines my life and who I am, is related to my children. Everything from my marriage(full-term baby born six months to the day from my wedding day)...to my dear friend, Julie (we got to be close because she needed to do a paper for a college class on a young family)...to the very job I hold (teacher in the virtual school that my children currently attend)is because of my children.

And with the exception of a nine-month teaching job when my oldest was one, my children have been with me or very near me all day, essentially Every. Single. Day. since I was one month shy of turning twenty-two.

So why am I making this change?

Lots and lots and lots of reasons. Some are simple, and some are incredibly complicated.

It boils down to the fact that I am passionate about education. I believe education should be excellent for all children. And right now, the education that I am providing for three of the four most important people in my world is far from excellent.

I have agonized over this, cried over it, and lost sleep over it. Mostly, I feel incredibly guilty.

But I realized that I will feel guilty no matter what.

If I keep them home, I'll feel guilty that I'm not providing them with the education they deserve.

If I send them to school, I'll feel guilty that I couldn't hack it. That I folded my cards and got out of the game. That I'm allowing other, more urgent, things in my life to come before my children.

But at least in the second scenario, my kids will be educated while I feel guilty.

And I hope that with this decision, I am not single-handedly causing the Demise of the Universe.

Or worse...the demise of my children.

Making Decisions??? So far, not really a fan.